Constant clear location and time: Diagnosis and prescription for "great action but I can't read the scenes it's in"

Diagnosis:

When the editor or agent complains that the action scenes are “great but hard to read” or “full of good stuff but I skim them,” one reason I immediately suspect and look for is the failure to keep the point of view (and thus the implied reader) constantly clearly located in space and time.

Constant clear location and time is what the great action sequences in classic movies used to do, as was pointed out in the video essay that started the chaos cinema controversy. Chaos cinema often does work on the screen, because the mind of the movie viewer has to assemble an idea of what is happening from what it has had so far and primarily from what is in front of it now. With no convenient option of skipping ahead, and since looking back would require taking attention away from the action on the screen, the viewer’s mind is frustrated into grokking the action in a chaotic way that never quite assembles, which can very effectively express that these moments are swift, apparently meaningless, uncertain, and only comprehensible after they have passed.

But our brains are pattern-making organs, and “chaos text” will cause the reader’s mind to start trying to sort out the chaos. Text will not frustrate that impulse the way film can; soon the reader is looking up and down the page, trying to assemble a coherent picture of the action, and is thinking “there’s great stuff in here, but I’ve had to read it three times, I’ll just skim to the end of this scene and see how it all comes out.” And at that point you’ve reneged on the sympathetic contract and have lost the reader at exactly the place that should have been gripping.

Prescription:

 Fixing the problem of “chaos action” is an almost mechanical job, but it’s very rewarding; you’ll almost always like what comes out of it*. I’ve taught half a dozen authors do this, done it for a couple who didn’t want to learn, and routinely do it in the second draft of all my own action scenes.

As we go through the steps,  I’ll apply this method to treat an invented-so-as-not-embarrass anyone example.

I had one client manuscript where every action paragraph began with something like

Then Freddie left Jim unconscious after knocking him to the floor. He closed the door softly behind himself. He had hit Jim with a table leg, which he had snatched up from the broken table after their fight began over a once-friendly card game. They had been friends since boyhood, but Jim had accused him of cheating, so to hell with the son of a bitch. Nobody calls me that. Freddie walked away without thinking of Jim again.**

Step 1. Copy and paste the scene to a new document or file and replace periods and semicolons, and any commas or conjunctions that mark a clause break or a verb phrase break, with a line break. (or if you must work on paper, separate all the clauses, dependent and independent, with page breaks, and print to separate sheets of paper or index cards). Modify as needed, usually replacing pronouns with nouns or changing verb forms, so that you can easily read each clause or verb phrase separately. You need all the clauses/verb phrases to be freestanding lines or cards.

The lines and cards for our example will look like this:

Freddie left Jim unconscious

Freddie knocked Jim to the floor

Freddie closed the door softly behind himself

Freddie hit Jim with a table leg

Freddie snatched up a leg from the broken table

Freddie and Jim’s fight began

Freddie and Jim began a friendly card game

Freddie and Jim were friends since boyhood

Jim accused Freddie of cheating

Freddie thought, to hell with the son of a bitch.

Freddie thought, Nobody calls me that. 

Freddie walked away

Freddie did not think of Jim again.

Step 2. In a list/pile labeled, Momentary, order the lines/cards by the order in which they happen. Where actions are simultaneous, join the lines with some mark you don’t use for anything else, or clip the cards together. If a line/card actually takes place throughout some large part of the scene, or could occur at a wide variety of times, separate it out into a Continuous list/pile.

Surprisingly, some writers write action scenes without actually thinking about the order in which things happen (This may explain why they end up in the hands of book doctors). The client who had the most severe case I’ve ever seen admitted to always skimming through action scenes herself, and not paying much attention to them in her own reading.* People being unconscious before they were hit, or mysteriously materializing (and possibly time-traveling) table legs, just didn’t seem to have anything wrong with them, to her. If they don’t seem to have anything wrong with them to you, then work on being bothered by them, the same way you are when perfessional writers ‘n’ editors make obvius misteaks.

Putting it into chronological order gets us to this:

Momentary 

Freddie and Jim were friends since boyhood 

Freddie and Jim began a friendly card game 

Jim accused Freddie of cheating

 Freddie and Jim’s fight began 

Freddie snatched up a leg from the broken table

 Freddie hit Jim with a table leg 

Freddie knocked Jim to the floor 

Freddie left Jim unconscious 

Freddie closed the door softly behind himself 

Freddie walked away

 Freddie did not think of Jim again.

Continuous 

Freddie thought, to hell with the son of a bitch.

Freddie thought, Nobody calls me that.

Step 3. Choose lines/cards from the Momentary list where the action should begin (point of attack) or end (resolution). Allocate any lines/cards before the point of attack to a separate “cover before” list/pile, and any lines/cards after the resolution to a separate “cover after” list/pile.

“Should” is an artistic decision. In some future entry or entries, I’ll talk about choice of point of attack and choice of resolution, but any advice will be provisional, and it all boils down to this: if you are aiming at readers who are reading for excitement, choose a late point of attack; if they’re reading for emotional significance, choose the latest resolution that has an open-ended feel.

Here’s what we have after Step 3:

Momentary

Jim accused Freddie of cheating (point of attack)

Freddie and Jim’s fight began

Freddie snatched up a leg from the broken table

Freddie hit Jim with a table leg

Freddie knocked Jim to the floor

 Freddie left Jim unconscious 

Freddie closed the door softly behind himself (resolution)

Continuous

Freddie thought, to hell with the son of a bitch.

Freddie thought, Nobody calls me that.

Cover before

Freddie and Jim were friends since boyhood

Freddie and Jim began a friendly card game

Cover after 

Freddie walked away 

Freddie did not think of Jim again.

Once again, this is more taste than science. Another good rule might be that the Momentary list should include only that which can be covered in scene, and that even a single sentence of narrative summary is to be avoided if possible in an action scene.

Step 4: Add necessary lines/cards to the Momentary list (and discard as needed or desired). As required by the added events, you may need to add lines/cards to the other lists.

Sometimes “necessary” means physically; if your heroine has to be shot on one side of the street early in the scene and bite a man in half on the other side of the street later in the scene (assuming she is, for example, a sentient tyrannosaur), then you may need to add something to get her across the street—maybe she spots the sniper over there, bounds through traffic, and shoves her head through the second floor window. (That would be three lines/cards to add). Other times “necessary” means psychologically; you suddenly realize a line/card is unmotivated or out of character, and it needs to happen, so you add that detail.

Let us suppose that Freddie would normally never have hit Jim, and certainly wouldn’t walk away from him when he was badly hurt. (By the way, if you don’t think “knocked unconscious” is badly hurt, there’s a missing spot in your research). So … why did he? I’m going to give Freddie three excuses here; when I was working on a client book this would be one of the places where I’d get them brainstorming on the phone, but in my own work it’s mostly the time to get up and do some katas or drink coffee. And my three excuses are that

1)   everyone involved was very drunk, so there was a lot of bad judgment,

2)   Freddie was trying to brain someone else rather than Jim, and

3)   Freddie is wanted by the authorities so he can’t stick around to tend to his injured friend.

Point 1 goes into Continuous, Point 3 into Cover Before, and Point 2 gives us a need for another character. Let’s call him Snavely (because Grima Wormtongue, Simon Legree, Guy of Gisborne, and Severus Snape were already taken). His existence and his relationship to the other two will have to be put into Cover Before.

Here’s what I came up with—your fixes might vary a great deal, again, because this is a matter of art and taste, not just algebra.  I didn’t fix the mixed tenses because I’m still analyzing and coordinating rather than writing the scene.

Momentary 

Snavely encourages Jim to drink more and bet higher to win back his losses (new point of attack) 

Freddie tries to intervene

Jim tells Freddie to mind his own business

Snavely backs Jim up

Jim loses a big hand

Jim accused Freddie of cheating

Freddie stands up to leave the game peacefully

Snavely says something to provoke a fight

Freddie and Jim’s fight began

Table was overturned and broken

Everyone was hitting everyone else& general melee

Snavely hit Freddie from behind hard

Freddie snatched up a leg from the broken table

Freddie swung without looking

Snavely ducked

Jim didn’t

Freddie hit Jim with a table leg

Freddie knocked Jim to the floor

Jim lay still

Freddie saw that he was still alive

Freddie heard the cops coming

Freddie left Jim unconscious 

Freddie closed the door softly behind himself (resolution)

Continuous

Freddie thought, to hell with the son of a bitch.

Freddie thought, Nobody calls me that.

Heavy drinking all through the card game

Cover before

Freddie and Jim were friends since boyhood

Freddie and Jim began a friendly card game

Snavely befriends Jim

Snavely is clearly a bad influence on Jim

Jim has a major drinking problem

Freddie is wanted by the local authorities

Cover after

Freddie walked away

Freddie did not think of Jim again.

Step 5: Edit the Momentary list for point of view and order of perception.

If we’re seeing this all from a given character’s point of view, what is the p.o.v. character able to see, and when are they able to see it? Change entries in the Momentary list in light of any problems with this.

In this example, assuming Freddie is the p.o.v. character and we’re in strict p.o.v., he can’t see that it’s Snavely behind him or that it’s Jim he’s hitting until after both things have happened.

So in Step 5 we fix it up to this:

Momentary

Snavely encourages Jim to drink more and bet higher to win back his losses (point of attack)

Freddie tries to intervene

Jim tells Freddie to mind his own business

Snavely backs Jim up

Jim loses a big hand

Jim accused Freddie of cheating

Freddie stands up to leave the game peacefully

Snavely says something to provoke a fight

Freddie and Jim’s fight began

Table was overturned and broken

Everyone was hitting everyone else & general melee

Something hit Freddie from behind hard

Freddie snatched up a leg from the broken table

Freddie turned, swinging the table leg head high with all his force

Freddie’s table leg connected with an arm-jarring thud

Freddie saw Snavely, crouched low, clutching the bottle he’d hit Freddie with, below where he’d just swung

Freddie heard a shout

Freddie turned to see Jimm lying still on the floor

Freddie knelt, felt for a pulse, found one

Freddie heard the cops coming 

Freddie realized

Freddie rose 

Freddie walked quickly and quietly to the door as everyone pushed past him to get to Jim

Freddie slipped through the door

Freddie closed the door softly behind himself (resolution)

Continuous 

Freddie thought, to hell with the son of a bitch. 

Freddie thought, Nobody calls me that. 

Heavy drinking all through the card game

Cover before

Freddie and Jim were friends since boyhood

Freddie and Jim began a friendly card game

Snavely befriends Jim

Snavely is clearly a bad influence on Jim

Jim has a major drinking problem

Freddie is wanted by the local authorities

Cover after

Freddie walked away

Freddie did not think of Jim again.

Step 6: Write the scene from the Momentary list, working in material from the Continuous list where it makes sense.

Okay, here’s what proof there may be in the pudding: the revised scene:

“Three-handed Tegwar is a game of fortune, not luck or skill,” Snavely told Jim, “and wine is sacred to Philia, the goddess of fortune. Drink a big cup to her health, and then with your better fortune, and the goddess’s love, bet big enough to win it all back from this conniver.”

By Jim’s violently bobbing head, Freddie could see that his old friend was already far-gone drunk, and it is a game of skill, no matter what this nasty man says, Jim isn’t very good at it even sober, and we’re playing for small change anyway. “Jim, let’s call it a night, we were supposed to be playing for fun stakes, and it’s getting out of hand, so let me just give you your money back, I don’t want to make my fortune off a friend.”

Jim looked at Snavely, not at Freddie, and drained his refilled cup. “Freddie, just deal; I’m gonna prove it’s me that Philia loves.”

“Unless by ‘fun stakes’ you mean ‘cowards’ stakes,’” Snavely added. “Deal.”

When Jim hunched and looked down like that, Freddie knew, he was immovable.  “Well, then, Anvils rank, Maples sink, matches up.” Jim’s miserable lack of skill at Three-Handed Tegwar  would at least not prevent him from seeing duos or trios, and if necessary Freddie could spoil his own hand with a discard.

When Freddie looked at the cards he had dealt himself, his heart sank; the three highest Anvils in sequence, and a matching high Lance. He discarded his middle Anvil, only to draw the top Guitar; now he was unbeatable, and having worked a discard, he could not fold. Snavely folded with low Guitars and Maples; Jim made his final bet for far more than he could cover, and turned up a pair of Lances and a pair of Maples.

Reluctantly, Freddie laid his cards down.

“Dirty deal.” Jim was glaring. “Ever since we were kids. Dirty deals from you. I’ll have to owe you—“

Freddie stood up. “You don’t owe me anything. I’m doing the thing I wanted to do before this hand, here’s your money back—“

“I guess it’s easier for a cheat to just buy out of a fight than try to defend his cheating,” Snavely said.

“Nobody calls me that,” Freddie said.

“Because they’re afraid of you. I am. I know Jim is, that’s what you told me.”

“I’m not afraid of you,” Jim bellowed, grabbing Freddie’s tunic. The card table flipped and Jim stepped closer, a leg snapping off from the force of his hip; in the crowded mass of tables, glasses spilled, coins being counted slipped away, bowls tumbled, rough men were jostled unexpectedly.People stood up and swung without knowing why, and the brawl was on.

At least this’ll take Jim’s mind off things, Freddie thought, pushing people away to clear a space, looking around for an exit. A tavern brawl is just what he—

On the left side of his back, just above his belt, something slammed into Freddie. He stumbled forward, grabbing for balance at the leg of the overturned table; it came away in his hand as he was hit again, even harder, in the same place. Freddie found his feet, and with a shout, he whirled and swung the table leg head high to clear the space behind him. It hit something with an arm-jarring thud, arresting Freddie’s spin.

Snavely was squatting low, still holding the wine bottle he’d hit Freddie with; the return blow must have passed over his head. He jabbed the bottle’s bottom into Freddie’s crotch, not quite connecting with his intended target, made an obscene gesture, and dove into the legs of the crowd.

Freddie heard a shout, then terrible silence. He turned to see Jim lying still on the floor, the red welt made by the table leg slanting up his cheek and across his bald head. Freddie knelt, felt his friend’s throat—thank you, Philia, a pulse—and pulled gently at an eyelid to check the pupils. In the dimness it was hard to see—

A bugle. The City Watch. Close.

Freddie rose and walked quickly and quietly to the door as everyone pushed past him, swarming around Jim, shouting for someone to get a healer-witch. He worked the latch behind his back,watching the room; no sign of Snavely, at least a dozen men surrounding Jim, no one looking at him. When the latch came free, Freddie glanced back, slipped through the door, and pulled it closed after himself. He tugged the hood of his tunic down around his face, staggered a little as if drunk, and passed the onrushing City Watch in the alley, keeping his face turned toward the shadows as he made his way to the Night Market, where he could hope to disappear into the crowd. Or altogether, that would be all right too, he thought to Philia.

§

Now, note that the above is a rough draft, and it contains a number of wince points. But at least the action is now expressed in Constant clear location and time, which is the main point of the exercise. Rewrites for style and taste in the next draft are badly needed, but at least it’s a readable action scene. Note also that the embellishments it invites– I just let them emerge as I worked – have made the story as a whole considerably livelier.*** 

Step 7: make notes to yourself to revise other parts of the work according to Cover Before and Cover After.

I was able to slip in most of the Cover Before points anyway, but the back-story of how the two men found Snavely, and how Snavely got a hold on Jim, would be in the Cover Before list. Also, frankly, no reader will forgive you if Snavely doesn’t get back into the story somehow, so I’d add “Something happens to finish off Snavely’s story” to Cover After. Both lists then go into your general list of to-dos for the next draft.  Or if you’re as afraid of your own disorganization and forgetfulness as I am, you might also go make the needed changes and additions right away—again, that’s a matter of taste.

Other indications and a cautionary note: 

Unlike this rudimentary one, some badly over-written action scenes become much shorter by this process, chiefly because it turns out that not much goes into the Momentary list, and therefore there’s not much room for anything to be imported from Continuous.

This procedure will sometimes work on a sex scene, too, but only if you want to write a really detailed, intense sex scene, the kind that many readers will think of as pornographic, and almost certainly at least some readers will begin to laugh, because doing sex in that much detail is usually funny to someone, and because the prose you write will reveal some of your quirks, which will be either funny or horrifying or both to some people who don't share them. 

§

*see heart and plot fighting for focus, about which I’ll write another time.

 **Deliberate parody for illustration; there weren’t any individual paragraphs quite that bad, but there were some multiparagraph scenes that were even more confusing.

***Though I’m beginning to wonder what all these guys with Grandpa-names are doing in a faux-medieval fantasy setting.